Everything, with a little bit of dreamy.

Tengo que parar con el F5.

In other news, I'm listening to some really sad songs here but anyway, I didn't work out today, AGAIN. At least yesterday I started the curl-up program again, and soon I'll modify it to do it with the bycicle variation, that should give back the abs that I lost to procrastionation. I have to do the squats program too tomorrow, I need to improve.

Ok, so beside all the shit that I've been doing (actually, not doing) to ruin my life, there's only one thing that fills my head and it's her. Oh shit, it's her.

But, it's not that big yet and I know that I can't be with her, not now, I would fuck everything up, I need to concentrate on fixing my situation for now, get things in order and from that, move forward, strive.

At least, I'm comfortable feeling that I'm not in love with her or anything, I just like her a lot, but nothing else.
I mean, I know that 'cause I can normally think about other people and I know what's like to be in love. This doesn't even come close to that.
Well... that's for now, I know, one part of me wants to fall but it's not the right thing now, I really don't want to fall in love...

____

Deep down I feel another dimension in my head that I try to reach, it's kind of obscure and bright at the same time, more artistic and even more dreamy, like a supernova exploding in white, black and violet all at the same time and it pulls me in... Elaborate, elaborate, leave yourself away, come in close and know this, it is soft but hard, empty but full, like Tao, the exact words can't come to mind but it reaches the heart and oh, this image it's really helping, and the music too...

Like an ocean of fire I want to burn but eternal, I think not, you can't start a fire without a spark but the spark it's alive, the aura expands and it leaves the body, it leaves everything and returns to me and so I know, I understand and I feel, the sun doesn't want to come out yet but it'll do it anyway, it can't help it, that's why it exists, it has to take responsability in what it is and make the best of it. A rythmic touch and song, it helps it flow, to create and to give, to show like it is born and the lights merge, the fusion of the image can't have a description because it's too much, no one can know that, it's out of boundaries. Pack it, grow it, know it feel it live it the energy comes and goes but it grows and the feeling of wanting more does too. My soul needs more despite everything in the past, that I shall confront and I am to triumph in the endevour because I know my way, I feel it and it can't be really expressed trhough anything more than actions, I commit to this, I shall confess, there is no other way of moving on and I'll learn to forgive myself for is trhough forgiveness that one is forgiven.

I exist, and I owe this existance, so I will fulfill what I know must be done. It smiles at me and I love it, I love. Hardships must be suffered, that's clear, but it is also clear that I'll overcome this, I won't let myself waste away, not anymore, I need to take that step into the kingdom and through love, patience and hard work the walls will be broken, I will break my prison walls, the ones that I created. You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free...

The truth is the truth and the only thing you can do is live with it.

And though this is messy and scattered the essence is quite clear, and I smile because I'm never alone, I smile because I want to, because I feel it, because I can do it, I know I can get through this.

Yes, at the end, the one thing that's in the foundation of it all is my hope, that is the one thing that fills my soul now, I believe that there is too much beauty to quit.