Sé que no sirve no quererlo, eso no va a hacer que se vaya pero en serio, no quiero sentir esto ahora, no puedo actuar hacia esa situación, sería inútil, por muy buenas intenciones que tuviese, no pescaría, no estaría ahí porque tengo cosas demasiado grandes de las que me tengo que ocupar ahora. Podría esperar, pero tampoco me parece bueno, en realidad no sé, pero no me parece una opción atractiva.
Más encima termino estando cerca igual por puras juntas, tendré que esforzarme para no caer y dejar la cagá, bueno, todo será más fácil cuando me ocupe de mis cosas, con suerte tendré tiempo para pensar o estar cerca pero dudo que eso hará que desaparezca la sensación.
Creo que lo peor es que perfectamente podrían ser dos, menos mal que por las cosas de la vida esa posibilidad se elimina sola.
Pero yo he visto esas vueltas de la vida, puede que algún día vea esto, sería tan raro, hasta risa me da. De hecho, como que por un lado me gustaría, porque se cumpliría un escenario, pero ojalá que sea más adelante, en varios meses, me pregunto si conoceré más para ese entonces.
Una mierda todo esto, igual lo disfruto, esa sensación maldita.
Tan ambigua la entrada, no quiero ser más claro, pero igual sería muy extraño que leyeras esto, ahora, por lo menos.
Mejor me voy a comer algo, estoy famélico.
domingo, 12 de agosto de 2012
viernes, 10 de agosto de 2012
Everything, with a little bit of dreamy.
Tengo que parar con el F5.
In other news, I'm listening to some really sad songs here but anyway, I didn't work out today, AGAIN. At least yesterday I started the curl-up program again, and soon I'll modify it to do it with the bycicle variation, that should give back the abs that I lost to procrastionation. I have to do the squats program too tomorrow, I need to improve.
Ok, so beside all the shit that I've been doing (actually, not doing) to ruin my life, there's only one thing that fills my head and it's her. Oh shit, it's her.
But, it's not that big yet and I know that I can't be with her, not now, I would fuck everything up, I need to concentrate on fixing my situation for now, get things in order and from that, move forward, strive.
At least, I'm comfortable feeling that I'm not in love with her or anything, I just like her a lot, but nothing else.
I mean, I know that 'cause I can normally think about other people and I know what's like to be in love. This doesn't even come close to that.
Well... that's for now, I know, one part of me wants to fall but it's not the right thing now, I really don't want to fall in love...
____
Deep down I feel another dimension in my head that I try to reach, it's kind of obscure and bright at the same time, more artistic and even more dreamy, like a supernova exploding in white, black and violet all at the same time and it pulls me in... Elaborate, elaborate, leave yourself away, come in close and know this, it is soft but hard, empty but full, like Tao, the exact words can't come to mind but it reaches the heart and oh, this image it's really helping, and the music too...
Like an ocean of fire I want to burn but eternal, I think not, you can't start a fire without a spark but the spark it's alive, the aura expands and it leaves the body, it leaves everything and returns to me and so I know, I understand and I feel, the sun doesn't want to come out yet but it'll do it anyway, it can't help it, that's why it exists, it has to take responsability in what it is and make the best of it. A rythmic touch and song, it helps it flow, to create and to give, to show like it is born and the lights merge, the fusion of the image can't have a description because it's too much, no one can know that, it's out of boundaries. Pack it, grow it, know it feel it live it the energy comes and goes but it grows and the feeling of wanting more does too. My soul needs more despite everything in the past, that I shall confront and I am to triumph in the endevour because I know my way, I feel it and it can't be really expressed trhough anything more than actions, I commit to this, I shall confess, there is no other way of moving on and I'll learn to forgive myself for is trhough forgiveness that one is forgiven.
I exist, and I owe this existance, so I will fulfill what I know must be done. It smiles at me and I love it, I love. Hardships must be suffered, that's clear, but it is also clear that I'll overcome this, I won't let myself waste away, not anymore, I need to take that step into the kingdom and through love, patience and hard work the walls will be broken, I will break my prison walls, the ones that I created. You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free...
The truth is the truth and the only thing you can do is live with it.
And though this is messy and scattered the essence is quite clear, and I smile because I'm never alone, I smile because I want to, because I feel it, because I can do it, I know I can get through this.
Yes, at the end, the one thing that's in the foundation of it all is my hope, that is the one thing that fills my soul now, I believe that there is too much beauty to quit.
In other news, I'm listening to some really sad songs here but anyway, I didn't work out today, AGAIN. At least yesterday I started the curl-up program again, and soon I'll modify it to do it with the bycicle variation, that should give back the abs that I lost to procrastionation. I have to do the squats program too tomorrow, I need to improve.
Ok, so beside all the shit that I've been doing (actually, not doing) to ruin my life, there's only one thing that fills my head and it's her. Oh shit, it's her.
But, it's not that big yet and I know that I can't be with her, not now, I would fuck everything up, I need to concentrate on fixing my situation for now, get things in order and from that, move forward, strive.
At least, I'm comfortable feeling that I'm not in love with her or anything, I just like her a lot, but nothing else.
I mean, I know that 'cause I can normally think about other people and I know what's like to be in love. This doesn't even come close to that.
Well... that's for now, I know, one part of me wants to fall but it's not the right thing now, I really don't want to fall in love...
____
Deep down I feel another dimension in my head that I try to reach, it's kind of obscure and bright at the same time, more artistic and even more dreamy, like a supernova exploding in white, black and violet all at the same time and it pulls me in... Elaborate, elaborate, leave yourself away, come in close and know this, it is soft but hard, empty but full, like Tao, the exact words can't come to mind but it reaches the heart and oh, this image it's really helping, and the music too...
Like an ocean of fire I want to burn but eternal, I think not, you can't start a fire without a spark but the spark it's alive, the aura expands and it leaves the body, it leaves everything and returns to me and so I know, I understand and I feel, the sun doesn't want to come out yet but it'll do it anyway, it can't help it, that's why it exists, it has to take responsability in what it is and make the best of it. A rythmic touch and song, it helps it flow, to create and to give, to show like it is born and the lights merge, the fusion of the image can't have a description because it's too much, no one can know that, it's out of boundaries. Pack it, grow it, know it feel it live it the energy comes and goes but it grows and the feeling of wanting more does too. My soul needs more despite everything in the past, that I shall confront and I am to triumph in the endevour because I know my way, I feel it and it can't be really expressed trhough anything more than actions, I commit to this, I shall confess, there is no other way of moving on and I'll learn to forgive myself for is trhough forgiveness that one is forgiven.
I exist, and I owe this existance, so I will fulfill what I know must be done. It smiles at me and I love it, I love. Hardships must be suffered, that's clear, but it is also clear that I'll overcome this, I won't let myself waste away, not anymore, I need to take that step into the kingdom and through love, patience and hard work the walls will be broken, I will break my prison walls, the ones that I created. You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free...
The truth is the truth and the only thing you can do is live with it.
And though this is messy and scattered the essence is quite clear, and I smile because I'm never alone, I smile because I want to, because I feel it, because I can do it, I know I can get through this.
Yes, at the end, the one thing that's in the foundation of it all is my hope, that is the one thing that fills my soul now, I believe that there is too much beauty to quit.
miércoles, 8 de agosto de 2012
Orden
Ayer tuve una gran charla con Fernando que me ayudó harto, pude darme cuenta de más cosas y estoy un poco más optimista pero aún no actúo así que esto sigue igual.
Ah, fuck it, I feel more comfortable in english.
Another lie was told today, but I know they sense something, they know too, in a way. Despite this, they're not telling me anything, I know that they want me to speak up and fight for this.
Oh, I just realized that I didn't work out today, in fact, it was just another empty day, kudos to me, but anyway, I'll try and exercise tomorrow, picking up the other two programs. I need to do it, for fuck's sake, it's not that hard.
....
My vision is clear, the way has been revealed, I just need one act of willpower to get me going, one giant push to start this fire, all I need is the spark. It's really, really bad not to have anything else to write about, I mean, if I were in normal circumstances, I'd spend much more time writing about my "crush", my work, my studies, my plans for the present and the future, my everyday experiences... But no, here I am, lamenting myself over my missed oportunities and my fuck ups throughout my life.
At least I know my traumas, my fears and my guilt. I know what happened and I know what I need to do now, but just like Fernando said, I have to take one step at a time.
"Baby steps into giant strides"
PD: Ah sí, pta que quedó fea esta volá, ya la arreglaré para que esté más cool.
Ah, fuck it, I feel more comfortable in english.
Another lie was told today, but I know they sense something, they know too, in a way. Despite this, they're not telling me anything, I know that they want me to speak up and fight for this.
Oh, I just realized that I didn't work out today, in fact, it was just another empty day, kudos to me, but anyway, I'll try and exercise tomorrow, picking up the other two programs. I need to do it, for fuck's sake, it's not that hard.
....
My vision is clear, the way has been revealed, I just need one act of willpower to get me going, one giant push to start this fire, all I need is the spark. It's really, really bad not to have anything else to write about, I mean, if I were in normal circumstances, I'd spend much more time writing about my "crush", my work, my studies, my plans for the present and the future, my everyday experiences... But no, here I am, lamenting myself over my missed oportunities and my fuck ups throughout my life.
At least I know my traumas, my fears and my guilt. I know what happened and I know what I need to do now, but just like Fernando said, I have to take one step at a time.
"Baby steps into giant strides"
PD: Ah sí, pta que quedó fea esta volá, ya la arreglaré para que esté más cool.
domingo, 5 de agosto de 2012
Me encantaría, pero ahora no.
Estaba a punto de salir "Hoy toca ser feliz" pero ni cagando la escucho ahora, ni nunca, no sé.
Todo sigue igual, o sea, mi actuar para resolver mi situación sigue igual pero las cagadas se están agrandando. Como que no va a tener ningún puto sentido esto, pero duele, puta que duele.
A veeeersh, me queda como una semana para mover la raja o mi vida se va a ir directamente por el inodoro, o sea que estoy full of shit. Tarde o temprano esto iba a pasar y como siempre, dejo todo para el final y más encima tengo que cambiar la canción, wait... Listo, Satania le pone.
Ayer fue la segunda vez en mi vida en la que me he curado por sentirme mal y me asusta la weá porque fácilmente se puede volver en un hábito así que chao alcohol por ahora, o no sé, wn, no tengo idea de lo que estoy escribiendo, esto es raro.
Mandar orgasmos por e-mail y weás, canción qla buena. Y más encima, encima de todo lo encimamente encima que tengo encima, sale a la luz esa puta parte de mi de que me guste la gente, justo ahora, o sea, es normal que yo tenga enamoramientos locos y pta, se van luego pero ahora hay uno que se quiere quedar y no, me carga, porque puta que salió fuerte la volá, sin mencionar al crush de face y a...ah no, wait, ese ya pasó, y dudo que renazca, nunca me había pasado eso con un amiga, pero puede que tenga razón, tengo que hablar con ella, verdad que quedamos en eso... otra cosa más a la lista de weás que aún no he hecho, ni siquiera he comprado la entrada pa' Dream, scumbag Iván.
Y oooh fucking shit, no he hecho ejercicio, siempre me pasa esta weá cuando estoy así, no hago ni una mierda, se me va toda la voluntad, pero ya, ahora sí, el martes le pongo de nuevo al ejercicio, tengo que retomar los programas, iba tan bien, por una puta vez estaba tan bien en ese ámbito pero todo lo mato, la Naranja siempre tuvo razón con eso, todo lo mato, soy una mierda.
Igual ando alegre, porque puta, es mi naturaleza, no lo puedo evitar y me gusta, pero al final lo que cuentan son las caras vacías y frustradas que tengo al finalizar el día. Y ya de verdad que estoy demasiado cerca de que la gente se aburra de mis mierdas y se alejen... no los podría culpar en todo caso.
Tan emo que ando, me gustaría pensar menos, llego a comprender un montón de weás bacanes pero puta que me autodestruyo igual, aparte que estoy entrenando menos energía y eso me desestabiliza, necesito retomar con harta fuerza eso y terminar los escritos de energía y entrenar al resto de pelotudos que aún no veo y chao.
Igual, nunca me voy a rendir, voy a dar el puto paso y lidiaré con las consecuencias de haberme guardado tantas cosas dentro. Voy a salir adelante aunque tenga que comenzar todo de nuevo.
Todo sigue igual, o sea, mi actuar para resolver mi situación sigue igual pero las cagadas se están agrandando. Como que no va a tener ningún puto sentido esto, pero duele, puta que duele.
A veeeersh, me queda como una semana para mover la raja o mi vida se va a ir directamente por el inodoro, o sea que estoy full of shit. Tarde o temprano esto iba a pasar y como siempre, dejo todo para el final y más encima tengo que cambiar la canción, wait... Listo, Satania le pone.
Ayer fue la segunda vez en mi vida en la que me he curado por sentirme mal y me asusta la weá porque fácilmente se puede volver en un hábito así que chao alcohol por ahora, o no sé, wn, no tengo idea de lo que estoy escribiendo, esto es raro.
Mandar orgasmos por e-mail y weás, canción qla buena. Y más encima, encima de todo lo encimamente encima que tengo encima, sale a la luz esa puta parte de mi de que me guste la gente, justo ahora, o sea, es normal que yo tenga enamoramientos locos y pta, se van luego pero ahora hay uno que se quiere quedar y no, me carga, porque puta que salió fuerte la volá, sin mencionar al crush de face y a...ah no, wait, ese ya pasó, y dudo que renazca, nunca me había pasado eso con un amiga, pero puede que tenga razón, tengo que hablar con ella, verdad que quedamos en eso... otra cosa más a la lista de weás que aún no he hecho, ni siquiera he comprado la entrada pa' Dream, scumbag Iván.
Y oooh fucking shit, no he hecho ejercicio, siempre me pasa esta weá cuando estoy así, no hago ni una mierda, se me va toda la voluntad, pero ya, ahora sí, el martes le pongo de nuevo al ejercicio, tengo que retomar los programas, iba tan bien, por una puta vez estaba tan bien en ese ámbito pero todo lo mato, la Naranja siempre tuvo razón con eso, todo lo mato, soy una mierda.
Igual ando alegre, porque puta, es mi naturaleza, no lo puedo evitar y me gusta, pero al final lo que cuentan son las caras vacías y frustradas que tengo al finalizar el día. Y ya de verdad que estoy demasiado cerca de que la gente se aburra de mis mierdas y se alejen... no los podría culpar en todo caso.
Tan emo que ando, me gustaría pensar menos, llego a comprender un montón de weás bacanes pero puta que me autodestruyo igual, aparte que estoy entrenando menos energía y eso me desestabiliza, necesito retomar con harta fuerza eso y terminar los escritos de energía y entrenar al resto de pelotudos que aún no veo y chao.
Igual, nunca me voy a rendir, voy a dar el puto paso y lidiaré con las consecuencias de haberme guardado tantas cosas dentro. Voy a salir adelante aunque tenga que comenzar todo de nuevo.
lunes, 2 de julio de 2012
Water and Bridges.
I'm sure. Even after all this time, I would smile.
I don't quite remember when was the last time I saw you, not sure if it was in the beginning of this year or the end of the previous one. Nevertheless, I'm sure I would smile. With disregard of the past silent months, it would be really endearing to see you again.
Except, well, you broke the silence, and I was kind of expecting it. But I can't answer it.
I think I know why I can't do it. I'm pretty sure. Maybe someday I'll explain, maybe not. To me, well, at least to me, our relationship was always kind of ambiguous, that's why I can't answer you, that's why I don't know if I'll explain or not. The thing is, you took the initiative, you broke the silence and you did the right thing by doing so. You were the bigger person there, and I can't answer to that, not now, at least, I'd just screw everything up.
With your message, you called out to me, to us, to our friendship, our companionship. I want to be able to answer to that. But like a said, I can't. I'm sorry.
Trust me, I'd screw us up, I don't have the necessary strength to clear up what I know I need to say to you, so we can have a more honest relationship. I mean, more honest, from me to you.
But, I think, even more than that, I'm afraid that if we get together, I'll put a weight on you, one that you shouldn't carry, you don´t deserve it, and I know you would force me to tell you what is that weight; so, no, not for now.
I'm sorry.
I don't quite remember when was the last time I saw you, not sure if it was in the beginning of this year or the end of the previous one. Nevertheless, I'm sure I would smile. With disregard of the past silent months, it would be really endearing to see you again.
Except, well, you broke the silence, and I was kind of expecting it. But I can't answer it.
I think I know why I can't do it. I'm pretty sure. Maybe someday I'll explain, maybe not. To me, well, at least to me, our relationship was always kind of ambiguous, that's why I can't answer you, that's why I don't know if I'll explain or not. The thing is, you took the initiative, you broke the silence and you did the right thing by doing so. You were the bigger person there, and I can't answer to that, not now, at least, I'd just screw everything up.
With your message, you called out to me, to us, to our friendship, our companionship. I want to be able to answer to that. But like a said, I can't. I'm sorry.
Trust me, I'd screw us up, I don't have the necessary strength to clear up what I know I need to say to you, so we can have a more honest relationship. I mean, more honest, from me to you.
But, I think, even more than that, I'm afraid that if we get together, I'll put a weight on you, one that you shouldn't carry, you don´t deserve it, and I know you would force me to tell you what is that weight; so, no, not for now.
I'm sorry.
domingo, 10 de junio de 2012
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)